Happiness is cruelty free

In my quest for happiness (remember that thing I’m doing?) I’ve reviewed a few things in my life.  Things from my past, things I’ve changed.

When I was 18 for about a year and a half I lived a vegan lifestyle.  That’s eating animal free products and all, no meat, no eggs, no cheese, no milk, and no nothing with animal association.
Being a university student my diet largely contained instant noodles, veggies, tofu dogs, and portabella black bean burgers.  Not the most exciting diet and my mom did a lot to entice me back to the ways of the ‘meat-a-tarians’.  Cooking bacon as often as she could, I swear she’d rub bacon grease on my pillow (I still lived at home as I was a full time student).

I started to get sick quite often; I probably should have been taking vitamins or spoken to a nutritionist on the best way to go about being vegan.  Life was a carb fest.

I had started the vegan lifestyle more in part because my friends were doing it, then I was truly dedicated to the cause behind it.  

Yup I was a poser.  Yup I was a follower.  Yup my self worth was determined by a group of my peers.  It’s called low self esteem… and these “friends” were the folks that took great advantage of Vanessa “the punching bag/welcome matt”.

When they decided it was no longer the cool thing to do, I was reluctant at first to give it up as I had fought so long for my family to take my lifestyle seriously.  But there was little foundation to this way of life, and soon I was once again on the omnivore bandwagon.

Now years later on this path of self discovery that I currently tread, I recognized something.

I may have started the lifestyle through a means of fitting in, but it agreed with my mentality.  

I am guilty by nature.  With boundless compassion for life in general to a ridiculous point.  I used to think what can I do? I’m but a drop of water in the ocean, but what an excuse!

By being vegan for the time I recognized the harm and suffering I was causing creatures of the world.  The torture, the infliction of horror on peaceful creatures that couldn’t think beyond the life of mindless murder we doled to them.

I took responsibility for that time that I was a part of the problem, and chose the side of a cruelty free solution.  But how I turned my back on it still causes me shame.

That was why, in reviewing my happiness journey, I came to the conclusion I was going to go back to this lifestyle.  This time fully and completely my decision, for me.

I have the healthy tools to know how to balance my life, and nutrition.  I know I’ll not be lacking for my options are endless, but do require a little more homework.

I’ve been vegetarian for some time now, and honestly it makes me smile.

How strange that this weight seems to be lifted knowing that my choice is life.  It doesn’t seem burdensome as some vegetarians I know bemoan.  It feels right, like I can breathe a little easier.  The transition from the little meat I did consume in my diet, to meat free was painless.

I know my protein options now, how to pair things, the balancing of meals.

My ultimate goal is to become vegan which I hope to be dedicated to come summer.  It’s difficult to transition away from the easy proteins of cheese, and fish.  But the feeling of relief, of happiness it brings me, I can’t say that anything has made me feel so right in a long time.

As Winnipeg is not “vegan central” I do know only of a handful of vegan restaurants (one of which I’ve been dying to try – Boon Burger), and an organic food market (Organza) that caters to a wide variety of vegan products.  Safeway sells a small, small amount of vegetarian/vegan items, but the few they do sell are fantastic.  I’ve bought my first tiny brick of Italian flavored mozzarella melting simulation “cheese” for home made pizza… I cringe as I recall the last time I ate soy cheddar with high hopes dashed upon an immediate gag reflex.

Tonight, tofu stir fry with sesame oil and fresh ginger, I can’t wait!  I’m sort of tofu crazy (I place full blame on agedashi).

Bright Shiny Morning

I bought this book last Thursday, I have a compulsion to always browse the book sales at my local mall whenever I'm there.  This hardcover I bought for a nifty $5.  I dont just buy at random either.  I want something that captures my attention, and with the first 3 pages of reading (yes I'm one of those that will read beyond outside of the jacket/back cover haha).  I had made facial expressions, I gasped, and cringed.  It was horrible what the introduction to the characters brought me!  So raw, so emotional, so real.

I had to buy it.  I'm almost afraid to continue reading it as the world it contains is primal.  Its the stuff you don't want to read about.

To sum it up, its about L.A.

I'll give you the word upon completion.  Until then...

Wind Chill

Its -40 today in the ‘peg.  

-40… profanity if I ever saw it.

Can you comprehend how cold this is?

Well I can help you out with that as I got to experience this temperature to its fullest extent today since my Transit bus pulled a no show.

Environmentally friendly commute, is not always so convenient… or on time… or comfortable.

Today had to be the day it didn’t show though.

I’m dressed for my office job, I’m smart enough to be wearing some not so styling winter boots but here in tundra town it’s more survival of the fittest, then stylish (at least that’s how my beliefs work… unless you believe frostbite is fashionable).  I wasn’t however smart enough to wear my fleece tights beneath my dress pants though.  We had a couple weeks of negative single digit to mid-teen’s weather and I’m still holding out hope for its return.  So I rebel by making my work commute less then comfortable… logical no… blind hope yes.

Usually if I’m not running for the bus – that constitutes as an early morning jog in my books, strength training when I’m also lugging my 50tonne gym bag too – it pulls up within minutes of my arrival.  I time it perfectly so the effects of winter are minimized.

But today… oh today…

Today I opened my back door to a blast of cold.  I figured as such since the windows had ice on them… on the INSIDE.  

It’s a cold so shocking your eyes instantly water, it hurts to breath in your nose, and your teeth ache when you breathe in your mouth.  A scarf does wonders to help with not only warmth and comfort on your face, but simply breathing.  My scarf was still downstairs, folded neatly from the laundry.

I was scarf-less.  I was tight-less.  My preparedness for the weather was borderline stupidity, luckily I wore a turtleneck and my down jacket is ridiculously awesome against the elements.  

My mitted hands covered my face for a majority of my walk against the morning northwest wind.  My forehead burned from the cold, what little draft got through the tiny openings of my hood.  Then I stand, waiting at the stop the few blocks away from my little house.

My branch of community is pretty far removed from the city sounds and lights.  When there isn’t a car, or a bus driving by, the silence is as still as a small town.  You can hear birds calling, the wind creaking the branches of frost split trees.

The world hibernating around you.  Your own breathing seems loud, and out of place.  In the summer the song birds are in full chorus by the time I’m at the bus stop.  In the winter, only the brave chickadees seem to stick around and watch, even they’re half frozen in time.

I can hear the vehicles far before I see them.  Making their way down streets filled with snow ruts, and salt sand.

It’s been about 15-20 minutes standing at the stop.

Exposed skin is said to suffer frostbite within 10 minutes time frame, but luckily I’ve been alternating covering my face.  I can’t feel my toes even with my thick tough to -50 boots.  My legs have long since numbed, even my mitted fingers are starting to feel blocky.  My lips are tingly, reminding me of the after effects from the dentist.  I rub them constantly with my lip gloss to keep the blood moving.

It’s not my bus that finally arrives, but I take it for the few blocks of warmth it will offer before taking a transfer and waiting on a main route.  The other regulars of my bus that didn’t show are on this bus too, we all had the same idea, half frozen in our minds.

It’s about another 5 minutes waiting for the next bus to arrive.  The cold sets in fast from the brief reprieve of the 2 block journey.

It’s chilling to this point and tremors are unavoidable.  I’ll shiver intermittently until about 2 hours into my shift, with my desk heater blowing full force.

My toes are still cold, but no longer numb. The chill won’t go away until after my work out no matter how much the heater will blow, the heat can’t penetrate a chill like working out can.

RPM is the perfect fix.  Second only to a nice, long, hot bath, and some really thick fleecy penguin pj pants ;)

 

insight from a bright blue sky

Damn!  It’s frustrating to be categorized!
Why does everyone, every survey, every discussion seem intent to stick you in the hole that determines your worth.

I can like different styles of music without it defining who I am, just like I can dress different ways without labeling myself.  I can have multiple tattoos and work a daytime job.  I can play a guitar and sing without having aspirations to “make it to the big time”.

What is the deal with the pride and also in turn shame with labels and labeling?

The fact one even labels themselves removes the independence of whatever they were trying to express by clumping them with the masses.

STOP trying to put yourself somewhere just to feel like you have a place.  It will never fit right because you are not a pair of hand me down shoes.  The journey’s travelled and life lived doesn’t fit right because it is not your own.  You need to carve your own path or forever feel that “off” feeling.

STOP trying to fit someone into a classification because you don’t have the time/interest to get to know them and understand that hey, guess what, they’re a REAL LIVE human being!

We all have individual thought whether or not we have the courage to admit it.  It’s that bravery that allows us to voice our opinions instead of quoting another’s.  It’s that bravery that forces us from the sidelines.

I blame it on sort of a misconstrued logical thought process that we as inner philosophers try to piece the world together in.  It’s easier to have smaller variables of the world that make up our everyday living, then to have an intangible amount.  I suppose its mind boggling to know things aren’t as predictable as they seem, people aren’t as simple as they ought to be.

But life isn’t simple.

Have you looked at the stars to comprehend the very real thought that hey, there’s something up there then a romantic backdrop to the night sky.  That these things exist not just length in distance but time.

That you are such a miniscule part to the existence of this universe, and yet look in your mind at the universe in your own head, the unanswered questions of life.  Can you even do that?

This is where the great meditations go, brief moments of reflections that makes it all real.

We all live in this imaginary world of fantasy, of dreams, and hope is just another word for it really.

To look at it all, take it all in, feel the life in everything.

When was the last time you took in the seasons and recognized the miracle at just what it contains?

Life, this world, a leaf on a tree is a beautiful, miraculous thing.

But we’re so self centered; I’m there just the same with everyone.

It’s too big.  It’s too daunting to consider it all.

It’s scary.

The world beyond my doorstep, beyond my iPod, beyond my understanding.

But at the same time… how magnificent?

There’s a philosophical ramble for the day.  All inspired by the sun shining in a bright blue sky, with the faintest wisps of cloud… as -30 wind-chill burns my nose and ears red on the walk to work.

tattoo = perseverance

I’m currently looking for tattoos that represent perseverance… a few beliefs I’ve researched have mentioned spiders, ants, and koi fish.

I’ll admit I’m partial to the koi fish because you can make those so beautiful and colorful, but I was looking for a tattoo for behind my ear – can’t really do the koi justice there.

Decisions… this’ll have to wait until housing tax is paid however, so I have until end of June.

The coughs are starting… *sigh*  

B-Baby ;) yeah!

Yesterday I had a mild panic attack contemplating the possibility of failing the final I took last Thursday Wednesday.  I didn’t contemplate this possibility until recently after discussing the failure of (whom I wholeheartedly believe is) an intellectual friend’s recent exam.  
Then it dawned on me… if it could happen to her… it could happen to ME! [horror movie type scream here]

There was a fitful Monday nights sleep.

Today, I open my work email with bleary, dry contact sleep deprived eyes, to see the automated email with the exam mark from the University.

I may have held my breath, but I didn’t wait for dramatic effect, I didn’t pause to savor the moment, I was all 5-year-old-at-Christmas tearing into that email.

What’s the mark?

What’s the mark!!!!!!

What is THE MARK!!!!!!???!!!!

A freaking B y’all!

I’m at work so I couldn’t do much but squeak my joy and happy dance in my spinning chair.  (What the office across the street must think when they look in mine…)

I was so worried about this exam.  I had been studying every mundane detail of this textbook which is as dry as toast because if you’ve ever taken a multiple choice University exam, you know how they like to throw in those “did you read the textbooks” and the “were you listening to my story” questions.  Burnt my brain to the point of respite in the form of easy going rom-com movies (I’m not going to admit more then that I procrastinated by watching Valentines Day… for real.   It was that boring… and Taylor Lautner makes me feel like a 25 year old cougar).

Then to find out online that it is a long answer exam - I just about died.

You know those slow moments, where something happens, you forget to breath, your heart sort of does a slow motion thu-thump.  Usually some odd sort of facial expression takes hold and mutterings of otherworldly explicatives.

That was me.  11 p.m. the night before my exam.

The exam that was bumped a day early.

The exam that took me near the 3 hour maximum mark to finish.

Dear God, thank you that’s over!

I GOT A B!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride ;)

waning strength

It was a dark night last night.  I had to fill my moments with distractions.

It was too the point that I couldn’t write.  I was too overwhelmed with this negative energy.

Nothing could release it, and by the time I wanted to write, it was too much to express.

It felt like 7 years ago.

I’m sneaking in the kitchen, finding the sharpest knife.

It nicked my hip; I had slipped it in my waistband to hide it as I carried it to my bedroom.  

I lit my lavender candle as I do every night for bed. But instead of writing furiously, completely lost in the worlds in my mind, I drummed my pen to repetitive beats in my head, staring off into space.  Reflecting on my life, my stupidity, my obvious misunderstanding of the universe in general. The room grew heavy with the scent of lavender and sage… but it did nothing for me.

I took deep breaths, attempting to release the iron grip on my chest.  It brought tears my eyes instead.

Calm… don’t think… just calm…

I was desperate to run from the monsters in my closet.

This is the closest I’ve come to those bad habits of before.  I was at that point where there is no comfort, there is no hope.  The last piece of my heart ...shredded so easily.

What else can you do?  At this point I don’t care.

But... I know now... I’ve taken too much.

I’ve done too much.

I’ve allowed too much.

Now I’m drained.

I worry about what I might do… but what truly breaks my heart is there is no one there.

There’s never been anyone there.

No one strong enough to hold me.

God what I would give for someone strong enough to hold me…

But he doesn’t exist. 

All I can continue doing is pretending throughout the day, and hoping I’m exhausted enough by bed to not do anything stupid.

I thought I was past all this.

It's scary how quickly the dark can overtake the light.

Pen to paper

Finally, the final is finally finished.

My exam that has been turning my brain into Swiss cheese is OVA’! 
Little backstory of my recent stress (and therefore lack of posting) not only did I find out on the 11^th hour that this final was ALL long answer (no m/c, no true/false) but then it was bumped a day earlier then originally slotted.

By the fact I was willing to watch Valentine’s Day, Eclipse, Taylor Lautner shirtless a nameless movie instead of study is testament enough that I was done cramming my brain.

I kept reviewing because my guilty conscience said so.

Now the exam is finito however I fear I’m suffering from PTSD from it.  I can’t stop this guilty feeling (sounds like a great title to a song).  I’m still all tense about it (perhaps another #1 hit?).  I still feel like I can’t relax and every moment should be spent with my nose in a book.

I have all these writing ideas that I have had to push to the side, and now I’m just bursting to write and write and write.

Just writing my dreams down, I did something I’ve never done before and shared them with someone.  Just random 5 minute bursts of inspiration that HAD to get on page.

If only I could write a story and END it.  I’d have something to send to publishers.

I have thousands and thousands of half written stories in note books, disks, usb drives, everywhere.

It’s not just a passion, it’s my obsession, and nothing makes me happier then when I’m inspired and I have that itch, that compulsion that I must, MUST write.

I have moments where I meet such interesting characters, or people that strike that writing nerve I want to study them, follow them, absorb their mannerisms and sort of audition them for my imagination.  

I think I might start doing that.

I envy people with passion that pursue their dream.

Yet here I am, chalk full of stories, imagination, and now time to spare it.  What am I doing with this gift?

It would be worth the rejection of my heart on the paper just to know I tried, versus never knowing if I was truly good enough to inspire the dreams and wonderings of another person perhaps a little like me.

the bike awaits!

I’m excited for RPM, go figure, my gym funk has ended thanks to some inspiration.(HAH!)

At least that is back on track.

Now my studying… I managed to put it off again another evening, carrying my books around the house, playing intermittently with my cats, chatting with the hubby in residence about our issues (our never… ending… issues :S not dealing with til post exam thank you).  I distracted myself with muted television, drawing on my exam countdown white board, contemplating lunch and yet not making it.

I’ve lost my mojo y’all.

I was so gung ho all of January to finish my coursework, read my textbook, finish my evil assignments, kill it on the quizzes.  I did it all and passed with a nifty A.  Now with the impending 25% of my grade final exam looming my initiative is out the window.

Do I really need a massive panic attack to motivate me into turning pages and absorbing information?  This process through osmosis of holding the books and tossing them beside my bed instead of reading them is probably not as effective (although I lived this theory in high school and University and never failed a grade yet – average in high school was 95% plus).

Admittedly I’m a crammer.  I don’t know how to effectively study without an adrenaline rush perhaps. It doesn’t make sense.  It’s not serious yet until I’m sweating as I repeatedly verbalize the answer to a mundane question that might be mentioned on the final.

Tonight is pretty well a gong show for studying.  I had planned originally a week ago with all my good intentions to be ahead of the game in terms of knowledge building and taking this Friday off was no biggy.  

This Friday is my first Astronomy club meeting (royal astronomical society of Canada, Winnipeg division I think is the formal title).  No longer shall I just gape openly at the heavens at night, but I’ll actually be able to pinpoint constellations, my awe will be compound with my knowledge and I can totally get my geek on with similar minded individuals.

In all honesty my interest is there, but this is more a bonding thing for one last go of it with me and hubby.
Again I’m putting in all the effort, but come on…  I’m trying.  I still want to try. That speaks for itself I hope. 

I still got something in me, there’s something left, so I try.  Maybe we’ll be able to reconnect over this lost passion of his, and new found interest of mine.  If not well… I learned something new.

When you’re a survivor you tend to give it your all until your last breath… in love, life… and marriage… even when the only thing left is the hope of the hope you once had.

psssssssssssst

PS I should note God looked down on me and smiled for attending the gym today.  The royal hawtness himself was my bike buddy beside me in RPM... we even swore in unison... yes, it was wonderful... [siiigggggh  ^_^]
AND i found out he has an accent... swwwoooooonnn
Now if only i could muster up the courage to say "hi" but i doubt anyone with an attractiveness of that magnitude would even look down on a lesser subject such as myself.  I shall continue to worship from afar lol

meh... really and truly

Personal Daily Horoscope of Thursday, February 10th, 2011

STRONG PERSONALITY

Valid during several weeks: At this time of year, you will become more concerned with personal matters and less with the world at large. You can project yourself with more forcefulness than usual. It is an excellent time for making an impression on others, but you must be careful because you will not be especially sensitive to their needs. For this reason, you may find it difficult to work with others during this transit. If your efforts to work on projects with others don't seem to get anywhere now, perhaps you should defer them until later. First you should take care of the proper business of this transit, which is to experience yourself in a subjective frame of reference. You have a great need to express yourself now, and it is a valid need. No purpose will be served by denying all your own needs in favor of a misguided concept of duty

*          *          *

I like the feeling horoscopes give me sometimes, I may not be a true believer, but I’m slightly superstitious (hypocrite much?).  I find a lot of the times parts seems to be true but that could be said for anything.

Currently I’ve been going slightly cramfest crazy by being as procrastinating as possible to do everything but focus on studying for my impending final next Thursday.  It’s a business communications course, and boring as you can imagine.  I’m a writer that likes flare, explanation, emotion and thought process, business communication wants none of that.

It’s as dry as toast and almost as inspiring as my accounting course I snoozed through.  I admit I sort of have a slight touch of ADD.  I need silence, a room void of distraction and shiny objects, and complete and utter focus.  Otherwise it’s a pointless study session.

Currently the stress and worry over my procrastination and this course is driving me slightly bananas… as well as my coworkers being full of germs and sick all around me are not helping.  I worry my procrastination will bite me in the butt if I get sick further reducing my study and focus, and getting sick right now isn’t a matter of if, but when [shudder].

Currently one friendly coworker (see continual visits with over explanation of personal life, peppered with great exaggerations borderline and full-fledged TMI) is hacking up a lung in continual fits of phlegm with 2 min intervals of silence between.  This girl is never well however, I try to never step in her office as I consider it a biohazard area.

Just saying if you can’t go a single month without being ill, and are known for your continual absence of at least one day every two weeks… something’s up.

My gym drive this week has also been pathetic.  So far only 3 classes (2 combat though, and they were awesome), and I skipped Tuesday with the intent of studying and instead perused Perez Hilton for an unmentioned period of time.  I’m going for the cardio power hour of RPM at noon today, but I’m not feeling it.

I’m forcing myself at this point.  Too much of a good thing? Too much on my mind?  The gym is usually my drug of choice, why am I so distracted and tired lately?

I can’t wait until this course is finito… 7days… just 7 more days… focus Vanessa, for the love of all smart blondes out there, focus and maintain this A+!  It’ll be your first ever in university! [okay that actually pumped me up right there :D]

Learned something new today...

Things you shouldn’t say to a pregnant friend…

Me: “oh, I’m so tired today! I got maybe 2 hours of sleep yesterday…”

PF: “Oh YOU’RE tired? Try being tired 24/7 without having caffeine to stimulate you and keep you awake!  You want to talk tired? You don’t even KNOW tired!”
Me: [staring wide eyed and astounded at the petite girl with slight baby bump] “my book said this would happen…”

PF: [confused] “your book?”

Me: “Yes, my pregnancy friend book.  They said around weeks 12-15 phrases and expression you should refrain from saying to your pregnant friend or suffer the wrath include ‘I’m so tired’.”

PF: [pause, then laughter] “oh you’re awesome!” [chuckles and walks away]

Me: [to self]   “… and to be wary of hormonal surges and imbalances.”

-42 Windchill - thinking warm thoughts

I live in the prairies, and as much as I love it for the endless horizon, perfect open sky for star gazing, easy terrain for walking/running, it sucks for weather.

Summer is neater then sucks.  You see nasty thunderheads moving in, a tornado in the very distance, a gust of wind along the prairie grass 5 minutes before it reaches you.  I can find picturesque value in near every setting, but the prairies nothing beats the sunrise.

The winter however… the winters SUCK.

Not only do you not have any buffer, but that prairie wind that was a relief in the summer heat, is now a gale force that flings sharp ice snow in your face like a bunch of razors, and raises that average temperature to -40 (Celsius).

Here in Winter-peg boots made for -50 and grip like that of mountain climbers steel spikes are considered fashionable and relevant.  Those women that chance the teeny boots and stiletto heels… they only do that a couple times lets just say.  Frostbite isn’t pretty… neither is losing your toes for fashion while you wait for the bus.  Save the skirts and heels for when the temp is closer to a balmy -10.

When the nice days come, they are so worth it.  Skating on a frozen pond, sledding, winter hikes.  The sound of winter in the country is comparable to nothing.  It’s this silence and stillness that makes you feel so one with nature.  You can close your eyes and feel the earth breath with you.  Through you.

You can imagine that everything is possible.  Lie in a drift of snow and feel the insulation of the powder around you as you enjoy the season as you once did as a child.

The silence, interrupted by a bird, or the shiver of branches in a distant breeze…

I miss it.  I miss the countryside.

Life is so busy that the little things sometimes get missed until you are literally running away from the world for a small piece of it.

Even in -45 wind-chill as I walked the perilous journey of the downtown canyons that create gusts that ruin a hair do on a good day, I stopped at an eastward separation between buildings to see the sun peeking over the horizon.  I could feel its warmth as my ears burned and my nose numbed.  I could feel the promise of spring, the promise of good things to come; life was only dormant, not dead.

It’s like nature said patience… patience Vanessa, happiness will be yours.