Dear interwebs,

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve returned.  I feel bad always writing about me, how are you for a change?  Whats new with the ole interwebs?

Been a lot of drama on the home front, made a few new friends, and am working on my continued quest of happiness.

Life although less complicated in some aspects is a lot more so then others.

I’ve been unable to truly write for more then sporadic periods of time unlike before.  That passion has somewhat dried up, something I’ve been addicted to since I was 12, writing every night if not more so had been my thing.

Now I’m somewhat lost without it.

My primary passion sort of lost to me.

I’ve been crippled a lot lately with guilt, and my ex makes sure I suffer more so.  At the same time its not his intention, he truly wants me as a friend, but can’t help but twist the knife ever deeper in my back.

I keep smiling, I keep laughing.

But if everyone only knew, I wanted to return to those first two weeks when I left, when I did nothing but curl in a ball in my room and cry.  When I just let the failure and the darkness overtake me and cease to exist as I slept for hours on end.

I pushed myself out because depression is far too easy a habit to maintain.  Pushed myself back to the positive, and gained some balance in my life.

I still flounder, constantly… continuously… never ending do I flounder.  But I keep the appearance of calm, cool and collected.

I fake it.  I fake it so well.

My heart aches constantly of my journey. 

The gym is my solace.

My comfort.

Its there for me, when everyone else fails me.

I guess that’s something I knew before but had smacked me in the face once more.

No matter what anyone says, you really only have yourself in the end.

So you better treat yourself right and keep yourself well.

And make sure you’re in awesome spirits that can see a silver lining in every moment, even the moments were you curl in a ball, and sob the days away.

I’m no longer in those moments.

But they were simple… simply empty of prospect.

Now I can hold my head high and at least open myself to possibility with a true belief. 

Vanessa, now with 50% more awesome,  90% all natural happiness, 10% post consumer waste.