Dear interwebs,

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve returned.  I feel bad always writing about me, how are you for a change?  Whats new with the ole interwebs?

Been a lot of drama on the home front, made a few new friends, and am working on my continued quest of happiness.

Life although less complicated in some aspects is a lot more so then others.

I’ve been unable to truly write for more then sporadic periods of time unlike before.  That passion has somewhat dried up, something I’ve been addicted to since I was 12, writing every night if not more so had been my thing.

Now I’m somewhat lost without it.

My primary passion sort of lost to me.

I’ve been crippled a lot lately with guilt, and my ex makes sure I suffer more so.  At the same time its not his intention, he truly wants me as a friend, but can’t help but twist the knife ever deeper in my back.

I keep smiling, I keep laughing.

But if everyone only knew, I wanted to return to those first two weeks when I left, when I did nothing but curl in a ball in my room and cry.  When I just let the failure and the darkness overtake me and cease to exist as I slept for hours on end.

I pushed myself out because depression is far too easy a habit to maintain.  Pushed myself back to the positive, and gained some balance in my life.

I still flounder, constantly… continuously… never ending do I flounder.  But I keep the appearance of calm, cool and collected.

I fake it.  I fake it so well.

My heart aches constantly of my journey. 

The gym is my solace.

My comfort.

Its there for me, when everyone else fails me.

I guess that’s something I knew before but had smacked me in the face once more.

No matter what anyone says, you really only have yourself in the end.

So you better treat yourself right and keep yourself well.

And make sure you’re in awesome spirits that can see a silver lining in every moment, even the moments were you curl in a ball, and sob the days away.

I’m no longer in those moments.

But they were simple… simply empty of prospect.

Now I can hold my head high and at least open myself to possibility with a true belief. 

Vanessa, now with 50% more awesome,  90% all natural happiness, 10% post consumer waste.

phlegm filled fun wknd

Great weekend ahead the only damper is the cold I’m still stuck with.

The gym this week was hardcore every time I went, but half hearted today I’m just going to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine at lunch, and let my body rest for the fun I will have tonight.

I didn’t do any double gym days, and figured I’ll save the insanity for when I’m 100% because it’s hard enough to breath as is.  Still I feel disappointed.  But gotta give the body some recovery time, and bring it back 110% when I’m better.

I have a few outfits I purchased at this designer rip off store, I love it.  Cute clothes, cheap prices, eye catching bar star attire.  I’ll post pics if I think to take.

I like having full, fun-filled weekends.

Well life has been going on at a steady pace.  Sorry for lack of updates but I guess I’ve been busy with just… being... and... doing...

I’m moving at the end of May with a roommate, we’re sharing a condo, and it will work both for location for work and school.  I’m meeting with my lawyer to discuss my rights to the house and if I do still need to continue paying a mortgage when I’m no longer living there (and still keep ownership to the house).  I am awaiting word on whether I’ve been approved on a loan for my first car, a sexy Mazda 3 :D and today a realtor is coming to assess the house to see what we could get for it potentially should we decided to sell (which is what I want to do) or at least get a number that would reflect on how much my ex will have to pay me to buy me out – I’ll leave the lawyer to figure that out.

See?  Busy!

Today I’m fighting a battle with a cold and crossing my fingers, please send me positive vibes, I will kick its ass. 

I have a busy fun filled wknd ahead of me full of lemon drops, good people, and good tunes.  Apart from last weekend where Friday's apartment search was a disappointing bust (but has since been rectified see above), and Saturdays fail at attending an out of town social in the hall I had my wedding reception in no less (better memories? not so much, but a certain someone i was travelling with got busted... so made it an early night, but as fate would have it we narrowly avoided a snowstorm).

Still working out like a mad woman, have lost another 15lbs since February I'm proud to say, and rocking a size 8 like its nobodies business.  I see the size 6 on the horizon, that's my next goal, that and a bikini toned tummy, I have some nice legs happening.

Only one more month living with mom.  I am missing out on a sweet deal in regards to finances and what not, it'd be practically free to stay at her place, but I just dont feel like I'm living on my own.  I feel that spark of liberation faded and now I'm living "back home".  So although I'll be in an area I'm not familiar, I will be close to both work and school and will attempt somehow to make it all work.

Lifes for living, not to watch it be lived - no longer will I wait around for it to happen to me, I am happening, I am living, I am going to be and am happy :)

WARNING: Ego boosting lbd pic post

<-- sexy legs compliments of combat high knee running and extreme climbs via RPM

<--- hmm how to pose...

<--sweet lil dress i heart thee

<--- check out those quads, BAM!

<-- feel hawt, lookin' fine

<-- feeling sassy in my new lbd despite fighting a cold and running around in chilly spring weather all afternoon.  Shopping therapy cures all lemme tell ya.

<--- me being silly attempting to fake smile

<-- being vegetarian by making this timbit a conscious being, I therefore cannot eat it.  My friend was helpful in detecting a clear smiley face as well.

Foul! no just a klutz

Oh the joys of being me.

I may have mentioned my complete lack of social prowess but my interwebs friends, I am so much more than that.  Not only am I socially awkward to an obscene degree, I am also a highly evolved klutz.

Now I’ve manage to fool many with quick cover ups and improvisation but sometimes there’s just no hiding it.

For example in bodycombat last night… my friend and I have a great time pushing one another, talking smack and all that jazz.

Well we were doing a song that in a part of it you sprint forward a small distance before returning to your place in high knee running.  So being the usual hardcores we’re “racing” each other.  We usually only pretend to push one another, never making contact, or it being so miniscule it does nothing.

But as I’ll repeat, I am a klutz.

I just took a slight friendly jab and I was on the floor not knowing how I got there… and rolled my ankle.

I get back up, brush myself off, my face is already red from pure exertion so no worries there (I’m blond, red happens… ALL… THE… TIME).  My ankle feels funny, but no pain I continue giving the high impact and talking smack to her, yelling “foul” to the instructor who just laughs.  This was closer to the beginning of class so there was a lot left to go.

Throw in multiple lunge tracks, jump kicks, cross jacks, more high knee running… by the time the class was over and the adrenaline ebbed suddenly this sharp pain was shooting up the side of my foot and ankle.

I usually stretch my feet while waiting for the elevator and as I rotated my right foot I fell again, this time in pain at the slight rotation shot up my leg. I’m a girl, I’ll spazz at slight pain… it happens I cant always cover up when I grimace and fall to the floor.

Now my buddy is feeling all kinds of guilty, and I’m just trying to laugh it off amid stretch attempts to hopefully ease the throb that is only increasing in strength.

Yup… I definitely rolled my ankle good.

I still have to walk quite a few blocks (thank you city transportation and my local bus service).

All night amid overdosing on copious amounts of Advil and icing at intervals the swelling is minimal, it barely hurts to walk on it today, and I’m taking yet another day off from the gym (sad ‘nessa).

Tomorrow of course is (FINALLY) the new release for BC 47 here in Winnipeg.  I want to be top notch for the class, and if not I still want to be able to at least low impact it.  Nothing would make me sadder then missing the release. 

I’ve only been salivating for it forever.  Also in hearing snippets on BC 48 I’m more then eager to start getting some sneak peaks on that one.

I’m such a combat crackhead ;)

Time for more Advil…

I have a pretty good intuition.  But even that can be thwarted by outside influences.  Lately amid the emotional rollercoaster yours truly has endured for the past many months, it’s been a lil off.

None the less the quest for happiness continues mildly derailed by negative ppl and their negativity… of which I do not need in my life and of which I’m very happy to ignore and continue on as per usual.  But I’m back on track.

So I continue on the work out train.  RPM for lunch with one of my favorite instructors.

I finally got a mortgage payment from the ex as all the funds have been coming out of my bank account.  It was tense but I cashed it and it felt good to see a positive balance on the bank slip.

It’s going to be a quiet weekend I’m thinking, tonight read a book and laundry, tomorrow morning gym then an afternoon of retail therapy and maybe an evening out or another quiet one in.  The next few weekends will be busy – Easter weekend with family fare, and then a weekend or so following will be my social filled weekend (Friday and Saturday oh boy…).

A lot to look forward to.

However a damper on everything, like an idiot, like the martyr I am and so wish I was not, I promised the ex another round of counseling. 

I don’t get it. 

Why?

Why go over all this again? It’s like a constant round of punishment.  I feel so drained, just like the day I left just emotionally tapped out.

Does he not understand he represents the very things about myself I loathe!  He represents the impulses that have controlled my life and the fear that kept me caged.  The low self esteem that made 6 years pass while I stayed cocooned inside me hoping one day to wake up.

That day has come.

That day has passed.

Why can’t he just let me go?  6 years of punishment wasn’t enough?

Ugh… I need combat…

Well my day has been a rollercoaster. Let's just say the other shoe dropped. Not surprising that's the theme of my life lately. So embarrassed I feel like everyone is just laughing behind my back. Pretty much highschool mentality but I'm not going to abandon and run away. So I'm your big joke sure it hurts sure you haven't a clue what I'm going through. But laugh I'm hilarious. Someone that's hoped that didn't even say or do anything outside of thoughtfulness is just so funny. I really hope your proud of yourself, I hope its so entertaining as you giggle behind your hands and talk around me as though I were an idiot.
Its far more cruel then you realize but I doubt you care.
Keep it up. I'm not leaving and I'm not going to cower from your rudeness. I'm stronger and better then you and maybe deep down you might feel a little bad for making someone whose already at a low point int her life cry over something new. Really... Hilarious...

Attitude *snap*

I’m in a whole lotta pain today.  Day 9 of 13 workouts and my body is tapping out.  Going for a massage after work as much as I don’t like people touching me, I’m hoping it will help my back which has taken a beating.

Got the new release tomorrow for Body Combat 47 I’ve been foaming at the mouth for.  My Sunday and Monday combats were lunge track heavy and my hammies are whimpering like the first day I did combat today, damn the instructor for calling me out, I HAD to giver hardcore, no holding back ;)

 

I digress… I’m also extremely grouchy today and in a bad mood.  But no one believes me because I smile when I growl… little do they know I’m baring my teeth :P

Sunshine and rainbows

That tingling in your belly that breath caught in your throat as you lift your head to the sky in pure exhilaration.  The smile that you catch on your face that holds a secret that many know all to well.

I missed this feeling.  I’m feeling a little bit of it every now and then and it’s sort of shocking and yet uplifting to know i'm not going to be broken forever.  Such the damaged goods I am :P

I’m not seeing anyone right now... i dont plan to for a while.
There are a few people however that have been lifting my heart and filling my life with sunshine in an otherwise cloudy and dark existence adn one who has truly touched me that he is on my mind often, sort of a positive beacon of light.  Inspiration maybe that I could reach such a level of happiness in my own life?

Its platonic - but I really like being around him regardless.  Perhaps it’s the feeling of having someone just give me something without a cost on my part.  A daily pick me up with no demand.

He’s my sunshine.

It’s sort of pathetic on my part how I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’m waiting for something mean to pass his lips, something to cut me in my core as all men tend to do.  I’m almost afraid to enjoy the kindness, the sweetness he offers me.

If I were to meet a man any time soon that does like me beyond a friendship capacity I worry I may be far too much a broken soul.  I feel paused in this way, like I can’t move forward and literally my heart is sore.

When I moved out of the house, it was a very different feeling from just leaving the same room.  It was finite.  The house I loved is no longer this place of happiness, but bad memories, and suffocation.  I’m still paying half the mortgage until he buys me out.  But I’m also paying rent at my moms, and that in itself is sort of soul crushing.

Yup.  I’m 25 and moved back in with my mom.  I was out at 20 and thought I was way ahead of the game.  Now I’m back home in a room I haven’t called my own since I was 11.

I have been sleeping more then I’ve ever slept before.  I don’t know why it’s causing me to do this but I relish it.  Feeling refreshed I can deal with what comes my way; I have the energy to tackle things.

As promised I came over for a visit to the house on Sunday, visited my cats who couldn’t have been more all over me then if I was made of tuna.  Ex proceeded to tell me about a woman he’s interested in pursuing and how he “got to second” with her. TMI?  I just said go for it, we’ll get a divorce quicker (yes I use humor to hide pain).

It just proved me leaving was a good idea.  He doesn’t care, there was no effort even in the 11^th hour to keep me or prove to me anything that would make me stay.

It’s hard not to fall into that hole of “I guess I’m just not worth it”.

I think without Mr. Sunshine I might be in that hole.

People you need to realize the importance sometimes that is a smile and a hug, that it means a lot to many and to me to have a person practically a stranger to be my personal sun.  Someone positive in an otherwise negative world with no strings, no complication just friendship without the entanglement of judgement and pettiness.

Don’t get me wrong I have support… but there’s support and then there’s sunshine :)

sabotage

This is what my ex left me Friday morning of my last day at the house – a little note on my lunch kit to choke me up for the day.

I never let him know I cried all the way to the bus stop.

I’ll never let him know that he can still hurt me.

He couldn’t convince me to stay because of him, he attempted one last time with guilt sabotage… ass.

[These are the lyrics he left me in the note from the song Whose gonna ride your wild horses – U2]

“Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee”

The entire lyrics are…

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses lyrics – U2

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee

Sucks because I used to like this song… maybe one day I will again when it doesn’t make me cry.

take a ride on the drama train

Drama?  I’ll give you drama!

Well maybe not the long but the short of what’s been going on in my life (aside from the gym which has been my safe topic for a while now… have you noticed? Haha).

 

My reason for starting this happiness blog was the acknowledgement of the end of my marriage and the growth and positive outlook I was holding for the future.  Saying goodbye to the old dreams and goals I had possess and looking towards new and uncharted territory.

 

We’ve been living as roommates since about August, and now I’m finally taking the next steps and moving out tomorrow.  As it turns out it doesn’t count in the separation proceedings if you are still under the same roof unless you get an expensive lawyer involved.  I still co-own the house so I’ll still continue to pay half the mortgage while juggling another rent on top, but I’ll manage.  It’s that or the divorce will NEVER happen.  I’m 9 months out now on the divorce proceedings which really stings, legally tomorrow is day 1.

 

It’s been tough to hold myself together, to deal with everything alone.  I didn’t want the stigma involved with being the break up initiator, but I’m finally strong enough to say I want someone who loves me, appreciates me, and I want happiness in my life.  I’m 25 and far too young to settle into a routine of depression that will define my existence.

 

I’m moving on slowly, I just don’t want to rush anything at this point.  My friends and family have been surprising and terrific.  There have been a few bumps along the way but I now have the support I need.  I realize I didn’t need to bear this alone, that I shouldn’t have been ashamed of someone’s shortcomings that were not my own.  That him not loving me, and treating me third class to everything was not my doing was not my fault.

 

I had the opportunity to give in and go a little nuts this past weekend, but it’s just not me.  My moral compass is quite fixed, and I’m not saying nothing will ever happen outside of this deeply ingrained moral code but right now I’m keeping it at arms length.  I don’t want to have the same mistakes happen, and I want someone who will treat me like the awesome gal I am.

Because that’s me.

 

Real awesome, all natural :)

 

update a la norm

Ahh yes, there it is.

My Wednesday afternoon shin splints.

Old righty gives out every now and then, but luckily not until the combat class is over… or I don’t feel it otherwise because I’m so hopped on adrenaline. 

It’s tough when you push the high impact but that’s what I want, the most bang for my buck in my workout, and to hit the instructor level.  Big goals, but I got big motivation.

So the gym as always is pretty swell.

 

Spring Schedule and past reflection

New schedule for my gym, I lost my Tuesday evening combat, but gained a Sunday morning.  That’s a double fist pump right there.

So far my weekly schedule looks to be like this:

(N- noon, E – evening)

 

Monday                 N- RPM                                 E- Combat

Tuesday                N- BodyPump                       E- 1hr intense cardio

Wednesday           N- Combat                            E- 1 hr cardio

Thursday               N- BodyPump or flow          E- 1 hr cardio

Friday                     N- RPM                                

Saturday                9:30 – RPM          10:30 - BodyPump

Sunday                  9:30 – Combat     10:30 – BodyFlow

 

Yup, nothing like living at the gym.  I’m absolutely insane with working out.  Despite my utter exhaustion by the end of the day, and the zombie stare I can’t seem to break for 5minutes while working at my computer, I wish I was at the gym 24/7.

I’d even throw in 6 a.m. workouts if I wasn’t the world’s definition of someone who is NOT a morning person.

Saturdays and Sundays only work because technically getting up at 7:45 is sleeping in 2 hours later then I normally get up.

I get so jazzed knowing a work out is approaching, excited like I’m about to open a present or something equally grin inducing.

It’s so new to me.  This want to work out, this craving.

I’ve never thought me of all people, who over a year ago and 80lbs heavier and was a FOOD addict could be a gym addict.

Never in all my life had I made it beyond failure to mediocre in regards to physical activity.  Never have I accomplished things, or set goals or missions.  

I no longer consider failure as my only option, I know I can do things, I know some things take time, and as long as I put in the effort I can achieve everything I want.

I like to be the person in RPM that the athletic folks attempt to keep pace with. I like that I’m still somewhat wrongly judged over my still hourglass curvy figure as someone who doesn’t have the endurance and stamina to take anything that’s thrown at me. I like looking in the mirror, although still surprised by what I see, and maybe okay I do still avoid it when I’m a sweaty mess in combat.

I like knowing where I am, from where I’ve come.  This is a huge journey and will never be over, but to know that first step has brought me here is so inspiring, I know anything is possible.

No matter what is thrown at me, what stress I endure, what pain I suffer, the gym lifts it, it brings me back to that place of accomplishment.  It’s my temple, my sanity.

I never would have found it if my mistakes hadn’t led me here, so I’m even thankful for those.

One day, when I’m proud to look in the mirror, when I have abs I can grate low fat cheese off of, I’ll still be just as proud, just as driven and just as passionate.

I don’t doubt this.

I feel like I’ve finally woken up in life, and now I’m living :)

happy sweatfest

Combat track lists of the week…

 

Monday – Noah always mixes it up, and his theme this past Monday’s combat was kicks, every track…. Kicking.  It was pretty sweet, but a lot of tracks I wasn’t familiar with that I have to in my own klutzy way get in the groove with.  However he did throw in a couple fan favorites and as always many high knee running tracks.  I don’t know why, but after that hour of combat was done, be it stress, be it brush with insanity, I wanted more.

So I went home, did another half hour of cardio on the elliptical to my whimpering legs, and then a few combat tracks I had memorized (Spitfire, More, Overload).  Then I felt rightly exhausted.

 

A little back story, I have a work thing that’s been stressing me out, and to avoid becoming an alcoholic and indulging in copious amounts of wine to offer the much needed relief, I’ve chosen working out and the euphoria of the workout high to release the tension.  That and blasting high energy beats from my prehistoric boom box in the basement [Blast the speakers anyone?  Overload!].

 

Tuesday with newbie instructor who is growing on me as her own confidence grows with her style is Janice – she stuck to release 45… warm up shoots and all (warm up shoots? REALLY?!? Ugh…)

 

Then Wednesday, Wednesday is my fav instructor who got me into this crazy combat kick.  Christine – still instructing at 5 months pregnant (I KNOW!).  It’s even more inspirational to see a lady on stage with a baby belly doing the high impact combat (albeit frequent breaks).  She was throwing all the tough tracks at us, wow, I felt like I was being punished (but I liked it lol).

Kalinka, Spitfire, Mortal Kombat, Overload… wowza – a great mix of PAIN! 

Needless to say to the cherry on top of my 3 days of combat (+ other workouts mixed in).

 

I kept it high impact 99% of the time for all three, shin splints touched on after Tuesdays and full blown post Wednesday, but eased up before I went home for the day.  My recovery amid high impact is really getting better.  It’s so neat to see the endurance and recovery being as quick as it is.  it used to take days!

 

Happy sweat fests to everyone!

 

 

Wednesday madness...

Sorry for the lack of updates.  It's been crazy at the office, and I've been working out steady 10+ times a week.

I've pulled back the RPM and upped the straight cardio.  Keeping my heartrate in the zone, and going for about an hour at a time for my second workout of the day. As well I've been focusing on my core with rumours the next combat release is AB-tastic.
My weekly regime now consists of (L- lunch, E- evening):

Monday (L) Cardio (E) Combat
Tuesday (L) Cardio/Alternate with Strength weekly (E) Combat
Wednesday (L) Combat (E) Yoga (recovery)
Thursday (L) Pilates/Tai Chi (BodyFlow) (E)Cardio
Friday (L) RPM
Saturday Morning Double Down, 1 hour RPM, 1 hour Strength training (BodyPump)
Sunday - day off, recovery day

K, I'm done bragging, lol.
October doesnt seem very far away, not to mention June is even closer!  Must get bikini ready!

"Fitness is a battle, welcome to the front line" my fav combat poster quote.

want

Combat instructor? Me? Yes pls!

The quest continues… perhaps as an instructor?

I could be setting myself up for quite the epic letdown but since my first combat class I’ve had this passion for the music, the moves, and the empowerment it gives me.

I don’t think I’d fit in a dojo as I like to yell and dance beats don’t altogether mix with hard concentration and sparring.

So here’s my dream… dare I say goal?  Mission?
To go from enthusiasts to instructor?  Student to teacher…

I’m terrified to even consider it.

My inner big girl that couldn’t even make the basketball team in high school says “why bother”, but the new me…

The new me says, “You can do it!”

It’s so hard to be proud of my accomplishments and not be ashamed of my past… this seems messed up but it’s the situation.  I’m a different person, I’m taking life seriously, and there is more to it then I used to believe.  I should be proud at this huge turnaround that I just up and did one day.  Just up and woke up and said “no more!”

I’m a diabetic that is managing through exercise and diet alone and used to be on 5 different pills and insulin injections.  I’m proud, but then ashamed it got so bad.  I just can’t take the good without the dark raincloud in the corner.

Super lame.

But yes… my GOAL… to be a body combat instructor.

I can do high impact in my class, but some days I honestly can’t breathe let alone speak, while other days I’m yelling at my gym buddy, and she’s hollering back and I can really see the instructorship in my future.

I know it’s a lot of work, and prior to last months working out 6-8 times a week, I’ve upped it to 8-12 times a week.  I’m doubling up a lot of days throwing in an hour cardio on top of my usual regime. 

Next week I will push myself further.

When I started upping my workouts in June of 2010 I could barely hold a plank for a second, now I can stagger, launch, and hold as long as I need to.  I’m a plank master. 
Push ups, I used to not even be able to complete one, now I can do several minutes of them before needing to progress to my knees… but I never quit or stop.  My small goal is to not ever have to push up from my knees again.

October is the timeline as it is the instructor training weekend in Toronto (all expense paid yo!). I will need to be ready for then in stage presence, endurance, and combo’s, from there you have 3 months to a year to ready yourself for your taping of instructing a class to then be certified by a review board.  

I’m excited more then nervous, I’m inspired more then frightened.

I think I can do this!

 

Gym times

4K for lunch yesterday, and Combat for supper.

I’ll say it, and let the world take note, I’m getting tired of ‘Spitfire’.

At first it was and has been a Combat track that was as the not so French would say Les challenge supreme.  It made all other tracks seem easy.  But I was glad with my Wednesday instructor switched it up for the ‘Black Pearl’ track (ALLLOOOOT of back kicks… I absolutely love getting my pirate on however).
 But Monday…
Monday he’s absolutely mean. 
However he informed me after class he held back on throwing in ANOTHER lunge track, so technically he was thinking of us when putting the ‘Party’ (Fight for your right) track right before ‘Spitfire’.  I will not fault the following ‘Mortal Kombat’ track (what’s cooler then fighting to mortal kombat? And Muay Thai no less :D).  Or the ending power track energy drainer, sweat fest, ‘Overload’ because those two are top fav’s of mine.  I listen to ‘Overload’ pretty well everyday I love the beat, the voice, the music. Love!

I never thought I would ever be into electronic style music, I’m not sure if it’s the associated endorphin rush or just being exposed to it, but the gym has made me a fan of fast beats, electronic sounds, synthesizers.  Absolutely love it!

I’m continuing a cardio binge this week and luckily I have all my itune’d favs from various classes, and genius recommendations.  From Lil Wayne, to Spitfire, to Overload, to Russian Roulette, to The Invaders Must Die album from The Prodigy.  I have got a lot of fast pace, energizing music to keep me in the zone.

DOMS and ZZZ's

Oh Thursday exhaustion has plagued me today.  A weariness that from my first alarm to the tune of ‘Dream on’ by Aerosmith on the radio, to my head bobbing bus ride, and my zombie gaze of data entry.
I’m really feeling the kicks I did in yesterdays Body Combat, trying my hardest to keep good form while kicking as high as I could. I was pushing myself more so then usual despite the DOMS from the previous days Body Pump.

Today my legs are wrecked.  I was going to attempt the Body Flow (Pilates/yoga) class, but my hip flexor whimpers at the dominant squat stance, it is a challenge enough to walk normally today.

That’s not to say I won’t be attending the cardio fest that is RPM after work.   I’ll be struggling but I think the blood flow to my achy muscles will help.

Friday will be between RPM and Attack still… my shins shudder at the thought of Attack, but my curiosity wants to see just how bad I’ll do it again.  Plus I enjoy the exertion of high knee running.

Its girl’s night Friday, we’re going to Rock Bar.

I haven’t been to a bar in a very, very, very long time, and as someone with an uncontrollable urge to dance, it doesn’t matter the place as long as I can move rhythmically to the music.

Got to keep the drinking to a minimum if I even do so as I have my double down gym Saturday morning.  I get a high from music and good company, alcohol is always back seat to that.

Should be fun, a cousin is celebrating her birthday the best way she knows how, and I’ll be there to buy her a couple shots to help her on the way.

It’s a busy weekend with goings on and goings to, it’ll help shake these winter blues that are dragging me down lately… and people with dark agendas.

Lunch time, I have a peanut butter banana sandwich awaiting me (yeah, my culinary prowess took a break last night after the veggie intense salad of Wednesday that took me an hour to eat) :)

Dearest Advil, you are a sweet goddess.

 

Gym Jammin'

The pettiness of some people is astounding.  I’m really too ticked to put into words, but I’ll say that it definitely is going to add fuel to my ‘spitfire’ at combat for lunch.  I hate people who have nothing better to do then seek pleasure from the misfortune of others.

Anyway, onto something I enjoy the gym recap!  I’m so sore and aching from Monday night’s intense combat with the energetic Noah.  He combines the Party track (shoots, kicking and high knee jumps) with Spitfire (all around lunging, side kick evilness… that I love/hate).  Not to mention I took part in the Tuesday lunch hour Body Pump (strength endurance class… I’m not quite sure the difference between strength building and endurance as it all seems the same to me and end result is pain, however well defined biceps).

So far this week it’s been combat (strength/cardio), pump (strength), and today more combat.  Tomorrow I’m going to attending RPM/spin class for the evening and some awesome abs if I’m feeling up to it.  My new Tuesday/Thursday cardio regime will be evening RPM as I just can’t fit lunch RPM with saving the bikes in time and changing post RPM within my 1 hour lunch. Tuesday lunch will now be body pump, and Thursday lunch will be Body Flow (yoga/pilates/tai chi/ meditation) with the RPM saved for the evening.  Friday I’m going to attempt Body Attack once more I think, as much as I hated that cheerleader fest, it’s a huge cardio bang for your buck in 45 min.  That or depending on the pain/DOMS will be Body Flow again.  Saturday is my usual double down of RPM for an hour, then Body Pump directly following for an hour.

Sunday I tend to take as a “day off”, but might throw in some at home yoga and elliptical to help the muscle recovery to start it all over again Monday.  There’s also been talk among my gym buddy and I about seeking out a Sunday combat to satisfy our combat thirst.  We’re crazy like that.

If I throw in a Body Flow for my Monday lunch hour that’s a total of 10 workouts in a week, if I count my Sunday “day off” work out, that’d be 11.

10 – 11 work outs a week.

Why am I 5’9 and a size 8 and not a size 0?  

Cuz I’m all muscle and grit lol

Seriously though… why am I not a size 0?  Or even 6 or 4 would be nice, you know, bikini worthy body, eh soon enough.

 

 

 

 

Happiness is cruelty free

In my quest for happiness (remember that thing I’m doing?) I’ve reviewed a few things in my life.  Things from my past, things I’ve changed.

When I was 18 for about a year and a half I lived a vegan lifestyle.  That’s eating animal free products and all, no meat, no eggs, no cheese, no milk, and no nothing with animal association.
Being a university student my diet largely contained instant noodles, veggies, tofu dogs, and portabella black bean burgers.  Not the most exciting diet and my mom did a lot to entice me back to the ways of the ‘meat-a-tarians’.  Cooking bacon as often as she could, I swear she’d rub bacon grease on my pillow (I still lived at home as I was a full time student).

I started to get sick quite often; I probably should have been taking vitamins or spoken to a nutritionist on the best way to go about being vegan.  Life was a carb fest.

I had started the vegan lifestyle more in part because my friends were doing it, then I was truly dedicated to the cause behind it.  

Yup I was a poser.  Yup I was a follower.  Yup my self worth was determined by a group of my peers.  It’s called low self esteem… and these “friends” were the folks that took great advantage of Vanessa “the punching bag/welcome matt”.

When they decided it was no longer the cool thing to do, I was reluctant at first to give it up as I had fought so long for my family to take my lifestyle seriously.  But there was little foundation to this way of life, and soon I was once again on the omnivore bandwagon.

Now years later on this path of self discovery that I currently tread, I recognized something.

I may have started the lifestyle through a means of fitting in, but it agreed with my mentality.  

I am guilty by nature.  With boundless compassion for life in general to a ridiculous point.  I used to think what can I do? I’m but a drop of water in the ocean, but what an excuse!

By being vegan for the time I recognized the harm and suffering I was causing creatures of the world.  The torture, the infliction of horror on peaceful creatures that couldn’t think beyond the life of mindless murder we doled to them.

I took responsibility for that time that I was a part of the problem, and chose the side of a cruelty free solution.  But how I turned my back on it still causes me shame.

That was why, in reviewing my happiness journey, I came to the conclusion I was going to go back to this lifestyle.  This time fully and completely my decision, for me.

I have the healthy tools to know how to balance my life, and nutrition.  I know I’ll not be lacking for my options are endless, but do require a little more homework.

I’ve been vegetarian for some time now, and honestly it makes me smile.

How strange that this weight seems to be lifted knowing that my choice is life.  It doesn’t seem burdensome as some vegetarians I know bemoan.  It feels right, like I can breathe a little easier.  The transition from the little meat I did consume in my diet, to meat free was painless.

I know my protein options now, how to pair things, the balancing of meals.

My ultimate goal is to become vegan which I hope to be dedicated to come summer.  It’s difficult to transition away from the easy proteins of cheese, and fish.  But the feeling of relief, of happiness it brings me, I can’t say that anything has made me feel so right in a long time.

As Winnipeg is not “vegan central” I do know only of a handful of vegan restaurants (one of which I’ve been dying to try – Boon Burger), and an organic food market (Organza) that caters to a wide variety of vegan products.  Safeway sells a small, small amount of vegetarian/vegan items, but the few they do sell are fantastic.  I’ve bought my first tiny brick of Italian flavored mozzarella melting simulation “cheese” for home made pizza… I cringe as I recall the last time I ate soy cheddar with high hopes dashed upon an immediate gag reflex.

Tonight, tofu stir fry with sesame oil and fresh ginger, I can’t wait!  I’m sort of tofu crazy (I place full blame on agedashi).

Bright Shiny Morning

I bought this book last Thursday, I have a compulsion to always browse the book sales at my local mall whenever I'm there.  This hardcover I bought for a nifty $5.  I dont just buy at random either.  I want something that captures my attention, and with the first 3 pages of reading (yes I'm one of those that will read beyond outside of the jacket/back cover haha).  I had made facial expressions, I gasped, and cringed.  It was horrible what the introduction to the characters brought me!  So raw, so emotional, so real.

I had to buy it.  I'm almost afraid to continue reading it as the world it contains is primal.  Its the stuff you don't want to read about.

To sum it up, its about L.A.

I'll give you the word upon completion.  Until then...

Wind Chill

Its -40 today in the ‘peg.  

-40… profanity if I ever saw it.

Can you comprehend how cold this is?

Well I can help you out with that as I got to experience this temperature to its fullest extent today since my Transit bus pulled a no show.

Environmentally friendly commute, is not always so convenient… or on time… or comfortable.

Today had to be the day it didn’t show though.

I’m dressed for my office job, I’m smart enough to be wearing some not so styling winter boots but here in tundra town it’s more survival of the fittest, then stylish (at least that’s how my beliefs work… unless you believe frostbite is fashionable).  I wasn’t however smart enough to wear my fleece tights beneath my dress pants though.  We had a couple weeks of negative single digit to mid-teen’s weather and I’m still holding out hope for its return.  So I rebel by making my work commute less then comfortable… logical no… blind hope yes.

Usually if I’m not running for the bus – that constitutes as an early morning jog in my books, strength training when I’m also lugging my 50tonne gym bag too – it pulls up within minutes of my arrival.  I time it perfectly so the effects of winter are minimized.

But today… oh today…

Today I opened my back door to a blast of cold.  I figured as such since the windows had ice on them… on the INSIDE.  

It’s a cold so shocking your eyes instantly water, it hurts to breath in your nose, and your teeth ache when you breathe in your mouth.  A scarf does wonders to help with not only warmth and comfort on your face, but simply breathing.  My scarf was still downstairs, folded neatly from the laundry.

I was scarf-less.  I was tight-less.  My preparedness for the weather was borderline stupidity, luckily I wore a turtleneck and my down jacket is ridiculously awesome against the elements.  

My mitted hands covered my face for a majority of my walk against the morning northwest wind.  My forehead burned from the cold, what little draft got through the tiny openings of my hood.  Then I stand, waiting at the stop the few blocks away from my little house.

My branch of community is pretty far removed from the city sounds and lights.  When there isn’t a car, or a bus driving by, the silence is as still as a small town.  You can hear birds calling, the wind creaking the branches of frost split trees.

The world hibernating around you.  Your own breathing seems loud, and out of place.  In the summer the song birds are in full chorus by the time I’m at the bus stop.  In the winter, only the brave chickadees seem to stick around and watch, even they’re half frozen in time.

I can hear the vehicles far before I see them.  Making their way down streets filled with snow ruts, and salt sand.

It’s been about 15-20 minutes standing at the stop.

Exposed skin is said to suffer frostbite within 10 minutes time frame, but luckily I’ve been alternating covering my face.  I can’t feel my toes even with my thick tough to -50 boots.  My legs have long since numbed, even my mitted fingers are starting to feel blocky.  My lips are tingly, reminding me of the after effects from the dentist.  I rub them constantly with my lip gloss to keep the blood moving.

It’s not my bus that finally arrives, but I take it for the few blocks of warmth it will offer before taking a transfer and waiting on a main route.  The other regulars of my bus that didn’t show are on this bus too, we all had the same idea, half frozen in our minds.

It’s about another 5 minutes waiting for the next bus to arrive.  The cold sets in fast from the brief reprieve of the 2 block journey.

It’s chilling to this point and tremors are unavoidable.  I’ll shiver intermittently until about 2 hours into my shift, with my desk heater blowing full force.

My toes are still cold, but no longer numb. The chill won’t go away until after my work out no matter how much the heater will blow, the heat can’t penetrate a chill like working out can.

RPM is the perfect fix.  Second only to a nice, long, hot bath, and some really thick fleecy penguin pj pants ;)