Dear interwebs,

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve returned.  I feel bad always writing about me, how are you for a change?  Whats new with the ole interwebs?

Been a lot of drama on the home front, made a few new friends, and am working on my continued quest of happiness.

Life although less complicated in some aspects is a lot more so then others.

I’ve been unable to truly write for more then sporadic periods of time unlike before.  That passion has somewhat dried up, something I’ve been addicted to since I was 12, writing every night if not more so had been my thing.

Now I’m somewhat lost without it.

My primary passion sort of lost to me.

I’ve been crippled a lot lately with guilt, and my ex makes sure I suffer more so.  At the same time its not his intention, he truly wants me as a friend, but can’t help but twist the knife ever deeper in my back.

I keep smiling, I keep laughing.

But if everyone only knew, I wanted to return to those first two weeks when I left, when I did nothing but curl in a ball in my room and cry.  When I just let the failure and the darkness overtake me and cease to exist as I slept for hours on end.

I pushed myself out because depression is far too easy a habit to maintain.  Pushed myself back to the positive, and gained some balance in my life.

I still flounder, constantly… continuously… never ending do I flounder.  But I keep the appearance of calm, cool and collected.

I fake it.  I fake it so well.

My heart aches constantly of my journey. 

The gym is my solace.

My comfort.

Its there for me, when everyone else fails me.

I guess that’s something I knew before but had smacked me in the face once more.

No matter what anyone says, you really only have yourself in the end.

So you better treat yourself right and keep yourself well.

And make sure you’re in awesome spirits that can see a silver lining in every moment, even the moments were you curl in a ball, and sob the days away.

I’m no longer in those moments.

But they were simple… simply empty of prospect.

Now I can hold my head high and at least open myself to possibility with a true belief. 

Vanessa, now with 50% more awesome,  90% all natural happiness, 10% post consumer waste.

phlegm filled fun wknd

Great weekend ahead the only damper is the cold I’m still stuck with.

The gym this week was hardcore every time I went, but half hearted today I’m just going to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine at lunch, and let my body rest for the fun I will have tonight.

I didn’t do any double gym days, and figured I’ll save the insanity for when I’m 100% because it’s hard enough to breath as is.  Still I feel disappointed.  But gotta give the body some recovery time, and bring it back 110% when I’m better.

I have a few outfits I purchased at this designer rip off store, I love it.  Cute clothes, cheap prices, eye catching bar star attire.  I’ll post pics if I think to take.

I like having full, fun-filled weekends.

Well life has been going on at a steady pace.  Sorry for lack of updates but I guess I’ve been busy with just… being... and... doing...

I’m moving at the end of May with a roommate, we’re sharing a condo, and it will work both for location for work and school.  I’m meeting with my lawyer to discuss my rights to the house and if I do still need to continue paying a mortgage when I’m no longer living there (and still keep ownership to the house).  I am awaiting word on whether I’ve been approved on a loan for my first car, a sexy Mazda 3 :D and today a realtor is coming to assess the house to see what we could get for it potentially should we decided to sell (which is what I want to do) or at least get a number that would reflect on how much my ex will have to pay me to buy me out – I’ll leave the lawyer to figure that out.

See?  Busy!

Today I’m fighting a battle with a cold and crossing my fingers, please send me positive vibes, I will kick its ass. 

I have a busy fun filled wknd ahead of me full of lemon drops, good people, and good tunes.  Apart from last weekend where Friday's apartment search was a disappointing bust (but has since been rectified see above), and Saturdays fail at attending an out of town social in the hall I had my wedding reception in no less (better memories? not so much, but a certain someone i was travelling with got busted... so made it an early night, but as fate would have it we narrowly avoided a snowstorm).

Still working out like a mad woman, have lost another 15lbs since February I'm proud to say, and rocking a size 8 like its nobodies business.  I see the size 6 on the horizon, that's my next goal, that and a bikini toned tummy, I have some nice legs happening.

Only one more month living with mom.  I am missing out on a sweet deal in regards to finances and what not, it'd be practically free to stay at her place, but I just dont feel like I'm living on my own.  I feel that spark of liberation faded and now I'm living "back home".  So although I'll be in an area I'm not familiar, I will be close to both work and school and will attempt somehow to make it all work.

Lifes for living, not to watch it be lived - no longer will I wait around for it to happen to me, I am happening, I am living, I am going to be and am happy :)

WARNING: Ego boosting lbd pic post

<-- sexy legs compliments of combat high knee running and extreme climbs via RPM

<--- hmm how to pose...

<--sweet lil dress i heart thee

<--- check out those quads, BAM!

<-- feel hawt, lookin' fine

<-- feeling sassy in my new lbd despite fighting a cold and running around in chilly spring weather all afternoon.  Shopping therapy cures all lemme tell ya.

<--- me being silly attempting to fake smile

<-- being vegetarian by making this timbit a conscious being, I therefore cannot eat it.  My friend was helpful in detecting a clear smiley face as well.

Foul! no just a klutz

Oh the joys of being me.

I may have mentioned my complete lack of social prowess but my interwebs friends, I am so much more than that.  Not only am I socially awkward to an obscene degree, I am also a highly evolved klutz.

Now I’ve manage to fool many with quick cover ups and improvisation but sometimes there’s just no hiding it.

For example in bodycombat last night… my friend and I have a great time pushing one another, talking smack and all that jazz.

Well we were doing a song that in a part of it you sprint forward a small distance before returning to your place in high knee running.  So being the usual hardcores we’re “racing” each other.  We usually only pretend to push one another, never making contact, or it being so miniscule it does nothing.

But as I’ll repeat, I am a klutz.

I just took a slight friendly jab and I was on the floor not knowing how I got there… and rolled my ankle.

I get back up, brush myself off, my face is already red from pure exertion so no worries there (I’m blond, red happens… ALL… THE… TIME).  My ankle feels funny, but no pain I continue giving the high impact and talking smack to her, yelling “foul” to the instructor who just laughs.  This was closer to the beginning of class so there was a lot left to go.

Throw in multiple lunge tracks, jump kicks, cross jacks, more high knee running… by the time the class was over and the adrenaline ebbed suddenly this sharp pain was shooting up the side of my foot and ankle.

I usually stretch my feet while waiting for the elevator and as I rotated my right foot I fell again, this time in pain at the slight rotation shot up my leg. I’m a girl, I’ll spazz at slight pain… it happens I cant always cover up when I grimace and fall to the floor.

Now my buddy is feeling all kinds of guilty, and I’m just trying to laugh it off amid stretch attempts to hopefully ease the throb that is only increasing in strength.

Yup… I definitely rolled my ankle good.

I still have to walk quite a few blocks (thank you city transportation and my local bus service).

All night amid overdosing on copious amounts of Advil and icing at intervals the swelling is minimal, it barely hurts to walk on it today, and I’m taking yet another day off from the gym (sad ‘nessa).

Tomorrow of course is (FINALLY) the new release for BC 47 here in Winnipeg.  I want to be top notch for the class, and if not I still want to be able to at least low impact it.  Nothing would make me sadder then missing the release. 

I’ve only been salivating for it forever.  Also in hearing snippets on BC 48 I’m more then eager to start getting some sneak peaks on that one.

I’m such a combat crackhead ;)

Time for more Advil…

I have a pretty good intuition.  But even that can be thwarted by outside influences.  Lately amid the emotional rollercoaster yours truly has endured for the past many months, it’s been a lil off.

None the less the quest for happiness continues mildly derailed by negative ppl and their negativity… of which I do not need in my life and of which I’m very happy to ignore and continue on as per usual.  But I’m back on track.

So I continue on the work out train.  RPM for lunch with one of my favorite instructors.

I finally got a mortgage payment from the ex as all the funds have been coming out of my bank account.  It was tense but I cashed it and it felt good to see a positive balance on the bank slip.

It’s going to be a quiet weekend I’m thinking, tonight read a book and laundry, tomorrow morning gym then an afternoon of retail therapy and maybe an evening out or another quiet one in.  The next few weekends will be busy – Easter weekend with family fare, and then a weekend or so following will be my social filled weekend (Friday and Saturday oh boy…).

A lot to look forward to.

However a damper on everything, like an idiot, like the martyr I am and so wish I was not, I promised the ex another round of counseling. 

I don’t get it. 

Why?

Why go over all this again? It’s like a constant round of punishment.  I feel so drained, just like the day I left just emotionally tapped out.

Does he not understand he represents the very things about myself I loathe!  He represents the impulses that have controlled my life and the fear that kept me caged.  The low self esteem that made 6 years pass while I stayed cocooned inside me hoping one day to wake up.

That day has come.

That day has passed.

Why can’t he just let me go?  6 years of punishment wasn’t enough?

Ugh… I need combat…

Well my day has been a rollercoaster. Let's just say the other shoe dropped. Not surprising that's the theme of my life lately. So embarrassed I feel like everyone is just laughing behind my back. Pretty much highschool mentality but I'm not going to abandon and run away. So I'm your big joke sure it hurts sure you haven't a clue what I'm going through. But laugh I'm hilarious. Someone that's hoped that didn't even say or do anything outside of thoughtfulness is just so funny. I really hope your proud of yourself, I hope its so entertaining as you giggle behind your hands and talk around me as though I were an idiot.
Its far more cruel then you realize but I doubt you care.
Keep it up. I'm not leaving and I'm not going to cower from your rudeness. I'm stronger and better then you and maybe deep down you might feel a little bad for making someone whose already at a low point int her life cry over something new. Really... Hilarious...

Attitude *snap*

I’m in a whole lotta pain today.  Day 9 of 13 workouts and my body is tapping out.  Going for a massage after work as much as I don’t like people touching me, I’m hoping it will help my back which has taken a beating.

Got the new release tomorrow for Body Combat 47 I’ve been foaming at the mouth for.  My Sunday and Monday combats were lunge track heavy and my hammies are whimpering like the first day I did combat today, damn the instructor for calling me out, I HAD to giver hardcore, no holding back ;)

 

I digress… I’m also extremely grouchy today and in a bad mood.  But no one believes me because I smile when I growl… little do they know I’m baring my teeth :P

Sunshine and rainbows

That tingling in your belly that breath caught in your throat as you lift your head to the sky in pure exhilaration.  The smile that you catch on your face that holds a secret that many know all to well.

I missed this feeling.  I’m feeling a little bit of it every now and then and it’s sort of shocking and yet uplifting to know i'm not going to be broken forever.  Such the damaged goods I am :P

I’m not seeing anyone right now... i dont plan to for a while.
There are a few people however that have been lifting my heart and filling my life with sunshine in an otherwise cloudy and dark existence adn one who has truly touched me that he is on my mind often, sort of a positive beacon of light.  Inspiration maybe that I could reach such a level of happiness in my own life?

Its platonic - but I really like being around him regardless.  Perhaps it’s the feeling of having someone just give me something without a cost on my part.  A daily pick me up with no demand.

He’s my sunshine.

It’s sort of pathetic on my part how I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I’m waiting for something mean to pass his lips, something to cut me in my core as all men tend to do.  I’m almost afraid to enjoy the kindness, the sweetness he offers me.

If I were to meet a man any time soon that does like me beyond a friendship capacity I worry I may be far too much a broken soul.  I feel paused in this way, like I can’t move forward and literally my heart is sore.

When I moved out of the house, it was a very different feeling from just leaving the same room.  It was finite.  The house I loved is no longer this place of happiness, but bad memories, and suffocation.  I’m still paying half the mortgage until he buys me out.  But I’m also paying rent at my moms, and that in itself is sort of soul crushing.

Yup.  I’m 25 and moved back in with my mom.  I was out at 20 and thought I was way ahead of the game.  Now I’m back home in a room I haven’t called my own since I was 11.

I have been sleeping more then I’ve ever slept before.  I don’t know why it’s causing me to do this but I relish it.  Feeling refreshed I can deal with what comes my way; I have the energy to tackle things.

As promised I came over for a visit to the house on Sunday, visited my cats who couldn’t have been more all over me then if I was made of tuna.  Ex proceeded to tell me about a woman he’s interested in pursuing and how he “got to second” with her. TMI?  I just said go for it, we’ll get a divorce quicker (yes I use humor to hide pain).

It just proved me leaving was a good idea.  He doesn’t care, there was no effort even in the 11^th hour to keep me or prove to me anything that would make me stay.

It’s hard not to fall into that hole of “I guess I’m just not worth it”.

I think without Mr. Sunshine I might be in that hole.

People you need to realize the importance sometimes that is a smile and a hug, that it means a lot to many and to me to have a person practically a stranger to be my personal sun.  Someone positive in an otherwise negative world with no strings, no complication just friendship without the entanglement of judgement and pettiness.

Don’t get me wrong I have support… but there’s support and then there’s sunshine :)

sabotage

This is what my ex left me Friday morning of my last day at the house – a little note on my lunch kit to choke me up for the day.

I never let him know I cried all the way to the bus stop.

I’ll never let him know that he can still hurt me.

He couldn’t convince me to stay because of him, he attempted one last time with guilt sabotage… ass.

[These are the lyrics he left me in the note from the song Whose gonna ride your wild horses – U2]

“Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee”

The entire lyrics are…

Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses lyrics – U2

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left there on the beach
Well you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close

Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses
Who's gonna take the place of me

Who's gonna ride your wild horses
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee

Sucks because I used to like this song… maybe one day I will again when it doesn’t make me cry.